Trigger warning: This post is about sexism, as I have experienced it.
This post is born from my strong frustration with the current conversation around sexual harassment, sexism and sexual violence.
As well as the fact that sexism in all its forms is a topic I deal with regularly in my work as a business coach and trainer with my customers of all genders.
My next post will cover how I work with leaders and organisations in order to address sexism in the work place.
This is for all the women, who didn’t get a chance to speak up, weren’t heard, aren’t heard, were and are silenced, are and were dismissed, threatened into silence, etc….
Humanity has come a long way, and there still remains much to be done.
When I was growing up in central Europe in the 80s and 90s, people liked to act like feminism wasn’t needed anymore. Naively, I initially believed them.
I hope that sharing some of my personal experience will contribute to more people talking about and acting on equal rights for all. I am using my privilege as a white woman to talk and write about this.
Here is a list of some of the sexism and sexual harassment I personally have experience with, in and out of work. I consider myself lucky that none of it involved sexual violence.
It is listed in no particular order.
- Towards the end of my degree, I was out dancing with some of my degree-course colleagues. At one point in the evening, one colleague came over to me. He put his arm around my shoulders and suggestively murmured in my ear ‘Come on, Cary, even you must….’
- When waiting for a bus one afternoon, a group of 10-12 year-old boys started hanging around me and coming closer, jeering and laughing loudly amongst themselves. I was 18 at the time. I spoke French, to try to get them off my back, faking a cell phone call in order to get some space.
- Sitting on a platform in production, I was going through work steps with a colleague. He started fiddling with his wedding ring and said, “If only I was not married…”. Thankfully he was external, employed with a temp company and my management cancelled his contract within two weeks. Colleagues went into production with me after that, for a week.
- At ten I had hair short. Our neighbour, an man in his 60s who made no secret of supporting Nazi ideology, told me that I was a boy.
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Shaking hands with a guy I had not met before at work, I found his fingers moving in the palm of my hand. He did this while shaking my hand, like he wanted to tickle me. I did not say anything. Unfortunately I did not have confidence in the impartiality of the process to deal with this fairly within the company.
- When I asked a potential hairdresser how they cut short hair on women, they said: “Well, all short hair cuts on women look a bit masculine, don’t they.”
- One of my male employees was quite needy, in terms of time and space. I told him that I was his manager, not his friend. After that he sulked and created even more situations that required my attention.
- As a young mother meeting other parents, I stopped telling anyone that my partner did most of the night shifts. Their reactions left me feeling like a bad mother.
- I have lost track of how many times I have walked down the street to whistling, cat calling, attention seeking noises. Particularly in the 80s and 90s, from men who were much, much older than me and taking advantage of the power balance.
- When I tell people that I do not enjoy travelling for work and I try to keep it to a minimum, the first response is usually: ‘Well, I guess your kids are still small.’ I wonder what they would say if my kids were grown-up?
- I was about to leave the country to go study in the UK. My great aunt, who had studied nursing in the UK said: ‘Well, lets see if you aren’t back in a couple months.’
- While working in my office, I could hear my colleagues, all guys about 10 years older than me, sniggering outside. Laughing about my title, shown on the office door. Once they opened the door, they stood with their jaws hanging open.
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About to leave to study aerospace engineering, my maths teacher commented: ‘But you’re such a language person.’ I was one of the two top students in class. The female one.
- I was sitting at a desk in student halls with a colleague whom I had asked for help. He looked me in the eye and said: ‘This is why I am a better engineer than you.’. Apparently he was referring to the fact that my secondary school had not taught engineering maths.
- While I was doing my certifications and heavily pregnant, one of the teaching assistants took me aside. He told me how much he liked me. Adding “I know you are married and happy, but I just had to tell you.”
- One evening at university, I was out salsa dancing, something I love. Once of my degree course colleagues was there. After I was done with a dance and was taking a break he said: ‘That was a very close dance. I am surprised you did that. I found that inappropriate.’
I could go on, but I need a break from focussing on these occurrences.
In solidarity with Collien Fernandes, Gisele Pelicot, all Epstein victims, and all other female and presenting as female victims of sexism, sexual harassment and sexualised violence.
